The Things I Learned in Amsterdam

-Everybody smokes. I think it's a law. I didn't smoke and the cops gave me shady looks all day.

-There's a certain food that everyone was eating. Fries in a paper cone with mayonnaise globbed on top. They sell it everywhere. Everyone loves it. They are wrong. It is disgusting and a sin against a holy God.

-It's never too early for a prostitute. I had always thought that one of the perks to being a prostitute was not having to work a first or second shift. It appears I was mistaken.

-You should avoid the red light district.

-If you try to avoid the red light district, it will find you. There is no escape.

-When you inevitably end up in the red light district just look up. If you look to your sides, you'll see boobs. If you look down, you'll see boobs in recessed windows. If you look forward, you will make eye contact with a guy who will offer to let you see his girl's boobs. Trust me. Just look up and pray.

-There are many coffee shops in Amsterdam. Oddly, I didn't see anyone drinking coffee in a number of them and they appeared to be decorated as green houses.

-Pot is legal. But I'm fairly confident that they disguise it to confuse the Americans. I smelled it all day but I never saw a single joint. Sneaky Amsterdamians.

-Amsterdamians is a far better label for a people than the Dutch. I'm just saying.

-Every European guy dresses like Brad Cooper.

-The streets have bikes, cars and trains on them. Bikes will swerve to miss you. Cars will usually stop. Trains NEVER stop! You will die.