Unplugged

You know you're a sucky blogger when every blog seems to start with the phrase, "I'm sorry I haven't written anything in a while." But I am sorry I haven't written anything in a while. But hey, I know some people who haven't updated their blogs in months, so at least I'm doing better than some.

Just thought I'd talk a little about some stuff going through my head. This isn't meant for me to list off what's going on and conclude with a moral to the story. If there's a moral to this story, I've yet to see it. I'm kind of just full of questions right now. This is more of a way for me to put out there what my thoughts are currently, so if you're not into that kind of thing you might want to skip this one. I'll try to put up some more coherent stuff together this week.

I'm in a state of disconnectedness and confusion right now and I really don't like it. I do know that one thing God has taught me in the past week is that I've been finding my identity in all of the wrong things, which would be anything that's not Him. And I feel that He's been confronting me with the question of, "If this were taken away, who would you be?" And more and more I'm finding the answer to be, "I don't know."

God always seems to have a reason for the stuff He starts pointing out to me. So I'm thinking maybe the reason I'm starting to see all of this now is because of how finite these things that I've defined myself with are in my life.

I'm at a job that I could quit at a moment's notice. I live in a house that's a very temporary situation without a lease to hold me here. I'm disconnected from an area that so many of my friends are at and almost secluded to a place without too many real friends to keep me around. But one thing that's kept me here was the fact that I knew how poor my grandpa's health was and I wanted to be able to be here for my family when something happened to him. Well he passed away this weekend (and I'll have a whole other post dedicated to that later this week, hopefully).

I have absolutely nothing connecting me to my place in life right now. My heart's being pulled out of so many things that I've identified myself with for so long, almost, it seems, against its will. It's like my heart is just floating around, waiting for that one thing to be able to pour itself into. The problem seems to be that I don't know what.

I think I have what the puritans called a "holy frustration." I know that there's something more I could be doing for God than what I'm doing here. My main confusion is whether I need a big change, or I just need a new approach to what I'm already involved in.

Needless to say, there's a lot of stuff going through my head right now. Like I said earlier, there's no real resolution to what's going on, though I'd like for there to be. So for now I need a bunch of prayers from anyone who happens to stumble upon this. As for what you need to pray for? I have no idea. Maybe clarity or discernment? I definitely want to know what my heart needs to be in because right now it's just floating there with nothing to commit to.